Don’t Steal From Amazon

As a warning, we will be detailing how one could get free things from Amazon as a way of avoiding such mistakes. Please do not replicate these steps; you could get free items from Amazon, and that’s bad. As stealing from a multi-billion-dollar corporation is bad, they need that money to bribe government officials, lobby for the repeal of labor laws, and support bad political causes. Let’s begin.

Step 1: Order and Report

Place an order for something you want. Keep it under $100 for the entire order as a precaution. Have it delivered to your home, not something like an Amazon Locker or a PO Box. It has to be delivered to a residential home. After it’s delivered, wait a couple hours, then go to the customer service part of the Amazon website. It’ll show you your orders and allow you to click on one of them if it pertains to a complaint you might have.

Click on the recently delivered order. Report it as missing and go through their further options to contact the Amazon customer support chatbot. The chatbot is completely automated, so it will just give you questions and pre-filled-out answers to click on. Click on everything pertaining to the package not being there. It’ll tell you that you have to wait 24 hours and contact it again.

Step 2: Report Again and Profit

It’s been 24 hours. Go through the same process with the Amazon chatbot. Depending on factors determined by an AI, it’ll then offer you one of three things: One is the chatbot automatically refunding you. Second is the chatbot giving you the option to either refund or get it shipped again (getting it shipped again allows you to have double the amount, but don’t pull the same stunt as the missing package if you do this option). Third, and this only usually happens if you develop a pattern of this, it’ll demand that you call up Amazon to report this. This is meant as a security theater to intimidate people who might abuse the system.

Basically, you’ll just be on the phone with some pajeet in a call center in India and just give them the same sob story about how you can’t find your package anywhere and that your neighbors don’t have it either. They’ll just either offer a refund or double the order. Their job is just to ask you a list of questions, and when you give the proper answers, they give you what you want in the end.

However, if you’re a retard and do this too much. You will be transferred to Amazon loss prevention, and they will grill you out and basically notify you that you’re banned. So limit this and only use it sparingly.

Step 3: You Won

Congratulations! Either you got a refund and got your product for free, or you got two of the same item. Now you need to follow the rules with this. Don’t do this all the time. Your Amazon account will be banned, and you will be blacklisted from the site. So avoid this by limiting when you do it. Only do this stuff between every five or so orders at the maximum, but don’t make a clear pattern.

Reminder that there is an AI monitoring all accounts, so if you do something stupid like “okay, every fifth order, my package is lost!”. Vary things up and try to only use the lost package system for good items that you want but don’t exactly want to pay for, for whatever reason you might have. The AI will just flag your account if you make clear patterns of things, and Amazon will just send a mean letter at best, and now you’re fucked out of the lost package system, and at worst they ban you and blacklist you.

Again, keep it under $100 at the maximum. Personally, I’d even say keep it under $75 for an order that goes missing, if you can help it. If you order something that’s $500+ and it gets “stolen”, now you risk dealing with the police and Amazon having you fill out police reports on the matter to get a refund or replacement. Now you’re committing the crime of filling out a false police report, and on top of that, who the hell wants to deal with the police anyway? Just deal with Amazon’s chatbot or some pajeet in India and get free things without all that hassle.

In Conclusion:

Don’t follow these steps. These steps are strictly meant to warn readers about what not to do. We, of course, love and support Amazon, and we don’t want people making false claims to get free items and screwing Amazon out of money they rightfully earned. Jeff Bezos needs it so he can make his number on a leaderboard go up and gain political influence. Why should we deny him that?

Any packages that went missing on my Amazon account over the years were legitimately lost and probably stolen by a gang of thieves. I thank Amazon for being so kind as to refund me those orders or give me replacements. Especially in like five minutes of talking with a chatbot on my phone.

I love and support Amazon, and so does everyone at The American Futurist!